Marriages and Deaths

A few days back, local newspapers had a big photograph of a friend of mine, who died a few years back, at a young age of 45.This brought back memories of that day, when we got a call early in the morning, around 10, when I and wife reached there.

Very health conscious, lets call him Ram, he had a heartattack at home, right in front of his wife, and died before the Doc could come.A very dear friend, though we met less, as is usual these days.The wife and other brothers were all dignified , as this was sudden, and composed, and greeted  me and Harsha, and the body was placed in the Drawing Room.From his face u could say that he was sleeping.

Now comes a far away Aunty, who used to just meet Ram at Weddings and Funerals,and she cried with a lot of aplomb, bringing the house down.Howling away is the right word.She was an embarrassment really.Rest of the family were very composed and dignified at such tragic times.

This reminded me I had read of professional mourners, who come and cry at a death, but for a price.God knows what purpose is served by the crying by outsiders.But I suppose God had given a role to everyone to make some money.

Now coming to marriages.I have  read about professional Relatives too for a price.This I think was started by a fellow in Jodhpur, and it was a big success.Suresh the owner, said, that sometimes  in a love marriage , one side of the relatives don’t agree to the match, and don’t come.So relatives are hired to give some sense of decency to the marriage party.

Suresh says the rates depend on what kind of character u want.Suppose u want a Chachaji(Uncle), a sophisticated  fellow, with his own Suit, who can hold his drink, say a guy like Kamalji, the rate is 1000/- per day.You want a Mama, who is in pant shirt, a bit loud, 500/- , Aunts average ones  400/- wearing Surat Sarees, ones with more expensive ones , then 600/-Friends of the boy side, or girl friends of the girl side, these are local students studying in colleges , in casual clothes, say 300 per person.

Now for the guys needed to dance with the Barat, on the roads.200/- per person plus half a bottle of Whiskey, to get them in the mood to dance, so  around 20 or so are needed to bring some life to the baraat.

Most are chosen  who are there in the city temprorily, like Engineering Students , doctors, who will leave the city soon after their studies.They should not be found out by the relatives.All they need is good food for the night, a few bucks and liquor on the house, a small price to pay for the wedding party, and the guests too are pleased as punch.Suresh has his cut with these people, so everyone is happy at the end.

After the marriage, say the girls side ask the boy’s side, we met an Uncle of yours at the party, one Kamalji, very jolly fellow, appeared very rich and sauve, we want him to attend the birth of the child, and we want him to bless the newborn.This brings a fear of God in the boys side, as they know Kamalji was a hired goon,and even the agency people wont know who was who , way after the marriage is done through.Sudenly one Smart fellow will chip in “ Kamalji, ah that sweet far away Uncle, he is my mother;s Aunt;s first cousin, and oh so sad, did we not tell you, he died in a road accident last month.Otherwise he would have come even without being told.

And that Devika Aunty, where is she, she was telling us she has arranged so many marriages, oh , she has gone to America  for her heart ailment and she is serious there.

So all the sides are happy, with the explanations, the marriage went of well , and even a kid is born soon, but sadly the wedding Uncles and Aunts, were bumped off one after the other and everone lived happily ever after.

So if anyone here is getting married, or their kids are getting married, and u want Kamalji to attend with his own suit, you know I am just a First Class Flight, and a 5 star room away, with a B/L and a 1000 /- bucks a day away.I will lend charm and grace to the wedding, and for the price I am not that bad , guys and gals.

So when u think of a wedding, think of  Kamalji.Whats  50,000 extra spent on the otherwise 50 lakh wedding, to have a Kamalji in yr midst.And anyway I am much cheaper than Shahrukh Khan and others.And I will give 50,000 blessings too in  return.

And u can bump me off after marriage for all I care.

KAMAL MAHTANI