The Corny Uncle of Mine

When we shifted to Jaipur, we first stayed in a rented Bunglow for a few years.It had 4 rooms,and a hall,and we used two rooms and the hall for our Residence,and the other two,we used for office,and export work,with the packing of Cartoons being done in the lawns.

My brother was with me those days,and he used to sleep in the next room.He used to complain that the house is haunted,as he used to say the bed shakes at night many a times.But i never felt it in my room,and we thought he must be dreaming.

Once me and my friend,were sitting in the lawns and having our drinks.It was a pleasant evening,the whiskey tasting even better.We both went to the kitchen to make some papads,and get namkins,wife had gone to mumbai and we were alone.As we came back,he noticed that his glass was empty,and he said i had filled it before we went to the kitchen,and put lots of ice for it to Chill,as Nargisji said recently.I said u must have drunk it ,you are drunk stop drinking more.Well i went to the loo and when i came back, my glass  was empty,andmy friend too was surprised as he was sitting there.

We came to the conclusion that this house is really haunted.We called our friends Dad,very close to me,and he said the best way to get rid of Ghosts, is to bring a live chicken home,and cut its neck and sprinkle the blood in all the rooms ! My wife is a pure Veg,she would kill me,if she came to know,so we discarded the idea,and decided to live with the ghost.I reasoned,that the poor ghost must not have drunk whiskey in ages,so let the poor guy have a tipple or two.Maybe he will bless me.But the poor guy had his quota i suppose as he never again ventured to drink my whisky,maybe fearing my Uncle and the chicken.

I used to suffer from itches in between the thighs,and in summers it used to get bad.The doctor had recommended a tube called "Valbet" or "Tinaderm",and it was effective.Uncle heard this and said I know a remedy for this Kamal.Lets take it out by the roots.He told me to take a lemon(Nimboo),cut it and apply on the affected part.I did as he said so,and i was burning all over,and yelling away,and cursing this uncle of mine.Boils came all over,and i could not walk straight for a few days.I was walking like Teda Meda,and I went to the Doc,and when i told him the story,he could barely contain his mirth.He told me to avoid this Uncle of mine,where medical matters are concerned.

The third incident concerned the " Greh Pravesh" of our Bunglow.We needed a pandit to do the poojas,and since i was new in Jaipur I asked a friend of mine for the Pandit who did his Greh Pravesh a year before.He took me to the pandit,a Marwari guy,who wrote us 10 pages of stuff that we needed.It was supposed to be  a grand Havan,with 7 junior pandits and he the main one.This uncle when i took the list to him, he blew his top.He hollered " kamal look at this.This is like a Invoice he has given. 7 dhotis for the pandits,7 sarees for their wives,7 lotas,etc.And there was the cash offering page too,which said , on the so and so completion puja,put 101/- etc.And for the main pandit,give  " Yata Shakti" (Means give as much as you can afford).

Unlce told me to scrap this pandit,and got me the sindhi pandit,and spoke to him that he will be paid 250/- for the whole exercise,and the poojas are to be edited fast,and not much smoke to be made,as that will spoil the paint of the house.So it was,very fast,and lunch served.

Uncle sure saved me, from being swindled by the Marwari Pandit,and saved us time and money.But when we brothers sit for a drink and this uncles topic comes up,we all have a good round of laughter,and  another round of Drinks.Cheers to that.

KAMAL MAHTANI